Dear patrons,
if you follow me on Facebook, you might have read my yesterday’s long read where I am talking about the upcoming album. As said, I will be posting stories about each song every day. And here I will post my drafts of Facebook posts with some extra photos and content. Today, for example, I wanna share the first demo ever for 1314 with you.
Have a great day!
Gene
www.bogolepov.de
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MINISTRY OF SECRETS
It all started on the 21st of November 2013. Me and my friend @Alina were sitting in my kitchen and planning to go out when I saw a notification from my email client. The email was from In Vitro laboratory – a private laboratory where I had done the HIV test a week before that. The result was.. Undetermined. I didn’t know how to react. I started googling what the hell that would mean. And google said that this means that it might mean that it was positive, but the lab needs to verify it again.
Writing this I feel my heart racing again, but I knew that I would have to relive this again in order to make sure that I am through with it.
My first reaction was – open the window, jump out of my 11th floor. I opened the window and started gasping for cold air. Second thought – I want to call my mother and cry, find some comfort in talking to her. But how? She didn’t know I was gay, and from what I’ve seen in my family, they won’t be happy about it. And I make a decision – they won’t be able to help me, they must not know about it. Secret. Sealed.
I remember the complete chaos in my head. I did a few more tests in the month to come, all positive. I couldn’t believe it. Even though I knew where the virus had come from. I knew nothing about HIV then, besides the fact that many nice people died from it. I also knew about the stigma and this stigma was very firm inside my head as well. I felt that I did something wrong, I felt ashamed and guilty. I was afraid to go to the HIV-center (yes, that’s how it works in Russia – you must register in such a center in your city and visit your doctor there. So basically once you’re positive, you’re exposed to the public – everyone else sees you in that center and there’s no way of keeping it private).
December 2013 was one of the darkest months in my life. I escaped to the place of my comfort – Berlin. I rented a room from my friend for 10 days and all this time I spent sitting in her armchair next to the window, smoking weed and reading. I didn’t see people, didn’t go out. I had to be alone. I thought a lot about what was happening, but somehow I felt that some part of me had died already by then. It was a weird feeling that I couldn’t think clear any more. Whenever I tried to think about my plan, what to do and how to continue my life, the thought just turned away into another direction.
I came back to St. Petersburg on the 31st of December 2013 to celebrate NYE with some friends of mine. There were rivers of sparkling wine, fun and cheer, but I wasn’t there. My head was covered with an imaginary fishbowl, that didn’t let any of the good things in. Midnight, everybody’s happy and celebrating. I’m in an armchair again. 2013 becomes 2014. And I am holding two tarot cards in my hand. #13 – Death. #14 – Temperance (or Art in the Crowley deck). So answering the question I’ve been asked so many times – this is when 1314 appeared.
Honestly speaking, I think that the decision to start 1314 really saved my life. This was a long walk between death and art. The first song I wrote for the project was called “Lovers”, and I only played that song once in my life, on my first solo show at Radiobaby in St. Petersburg. Thank you @Mila, @Oleg @Kapustin and thank you @Masha for the warm up set! It was a very difficult concert for me. I was nearly fainting when I was singing “Lovers” – “I am scared and I am terror myself”. I have never sung that song after that, and this song didn’t make it to the final cut of the album, but if you wanna hear it – just pm me and I’ll send you the link. It’s just a rough demo but it gives an idea.
2014 was spent in delirium. A lot of travels, a lot of chaotic work. I lived between St. Petersburg and Berlin. By that time I rented out my flat in St. Petersburg to be able to rent my second flat in Berlin, so basically I was homeless in St. Pete. I want to thank endlessly @Olya @Mene @Natasha for letting me crash at their place in St. Petersburg and for all the family evenings we had in their beautiful kitchen with movies. Thank you for being my family!
In February 2015 I came to St. Petersburg and was hanging at @Andrian’s place, that’s when we wrote “Ministry Of Secrets” – my first step to recovery, where I started analyzing my situation and realized that there are so many secrets that I keep from myself.
Follow the link in the first comment to listen to “Ministry Of Secrets”.
Have a good day and take care
Be open, be honest, be brave
Love,
Gene
