tw:suicide
(yes, the trigger warning sounds grim. i must do that and i respect your decision not to read. also note: this post has a happy ending and altogether it’s about love, not death)
woke up tired today, but with a feeling of wonder.
the thing is – yesterday i started watching this tv show called ‘a murder at the end of the world’. it was around 10 pm when i thought I’d watch just the first episode and would go to bed thereafter
Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij kept me up at night. again. and i’m grateful to them.
back in february 2017 i watched their ‘the oa’. that was an extremely difficult time for me.
i was still based mainly in st. petersburg cause my then-boyfriend Vlady couldn’t leave russia (long story short: couldn’t leave because if he tried, he would be taken to military due to age and status; queer in russian army = death or heavy injury)
another thing that was killing me was worries about my health. sounds ironic, right?
at that time, the imported antiretroviral drugs of high quality ran scarce as a result of russian government’s decision to ‘punish’ western economies by stopping the import of certain medications and substituting them with home-produced ones. the problem is: russians have neither license nor technology to produce modern antiretroviral meds. so i was switched to some older generation anti-hiv drug scheme which produced quite unbearable side-effects.
when I watched ‘the oa’ with Vlady we couldn’t stop. and after every episode we talked for hours. there was something in the world created in that series that spoke directly to me and inspired me to continue creating and hoping. it also helped me start my first attempt at sober life.
here i am again.
“just the first episode” she said…
at 2 am or something like that, despite a huge pressure against my own insatiable curiosity, wide awake, eyes open wide, greedy for more beauty of snowed-up glaciers and mountains, i went to bed unwillingly.
this morning i woke up too early, tired and with a heavy head, but instead of turning myself back in, i went on to watch the series.
like with ‘the oa’, this show inspired me greatly. as i saw the topic of sobriety – physical and ethical – seems to be a big problem for our world these days. this is so great that creators talk about it! yes, this is a lot to process, but i feel like this space that Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij create is exactly what i need like air for my creation. hope, perhaps, is what i get there?
so my morning continues, i am doing some chores and thinking about my plans
and then – BAM!
a friend of mine calls. nothing terrible has happened. no-one died there (and that’s great news in my opinion – lately i’ve had some of those calls too. past couple of years were truly challenging, sometimes fatal, for people with skin too thin).
no. the problem is, that this friend of mine is extremely broke. and she starts complaining about impossibility to afford a much needed service that costs about 30 euros a month. and this completely blows me off my feet. it triggers me awfully. and seems like i know that feeling that she is having right now: will i start getting some more bills that i can’t pay? will the lawyers from big corporations to which i owe those 30 euros soon make them 200 euros and a bit later you’re afraid to open your post box and then you drink and wanna die?..
yes, girl, i know.
and i explode with anger. i can’t continue the work that i planned, cause i’m smashed by this. the inability to change all of this is unbearable. i want wars to stop, and people to unite for our common future. however, truly we can only change ourselves and pray that help comes from the people you love and see, and those who love and see you.
so there i was – on fire with anger, helpless. all this inspiration and beauty – obliterated by our fear of the system.
so i came here – into my space where i share, no matter who reads this. whoever needs to read it – will do so.
the more i write this, the more i understand that maybe that was exactly as it meant to be for this chemical reaction to happen – fire needs air and vice versa
the reaction has been started.
it feels good to talk to you again. i feel like i’m ready for my new re-birth
gx
important postscriptum:
wanna support me and help me continue my work?
can’t afford to support financially but would love to help and be a part of the network?
no problem!
i am so grateful to you already for seeing me, for your attention and mind
email me and i’ll gladly grant you access to ‘mycelium’ and we can discuss how you can help me promote my work. what can that be? it can be leads / contacts to festivals, venues or promoters; any media that could be interested in collaboration; soundtracks for film and other visual productions… anything! any help from you would be endlessly appreciated <3
pps: i wrote ‘simplicity’ in february 2017. understood it in april 2021. there was something in between.
